My first thought upon waking this morning was of my son. He was the last thought before I went to sleep last night, and I dreamt of him in the night, so it was only fitting that I woke up with his name on my lips. I lay in my bed for twenty minutes, my alarm blaring, and didn’t budge. Finally, I decided that calling my job with “I’m sorry, I can’t come in today, this is my sons birthday.” wasn’t going to work.

I was 30 minutes late, grumpy, and moody. I felt like I was carrying a cloud with me.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but why does it seem as if we can’t face our obstacles one at a time? Today it was as if by allowing myself to feel the emotions associated with not having my son on his birthday, I opened the floodgates to my heart, and everything that I have been keeping pushed down inside came bubbling up to the surface. It wasn’t enough to cry because I miss my kids, I had to cry about every other little (and big) thing that has had me tipped sideways for the past several weeks.

Fortunately (if there’s a bright side to this at all), I did feel that by letting myself feel my feelings, instead of pushing them aside, I was able to…get it all out? I’m not sure what the proper term would be, but I felt a release of sorts.

Anyway, I mentioned yesterday that I wanted to write about the dream I had over the weekend, and the interpretation that my friend gave me. This is the dream:

I’m lying in bed, on my back, with my hands on my stomach. I’m pregnant, and the father of the baby is lying next to me. In my thoughts, I’m marveling at the fact that I can already feel the baby moving and shifting positions, although I realize that I’m not quite far enough to feel such things. I tell the father of the baby that if he’ll put his hand on my stomach, he can feel “her” move as well.

I’m aware of some sort of ’separation’ in my womb. In one half of my womb, the baby is growing, and in the other half, there is a tumor. I suddenly realize that for this baby to live, I will have to forgo treatment, and that I will die to give her life. Instead of being sad that I will die, I’m happy to sacrifice my life so that she will live.

The father of the baby still has his hand on my stomach, so I lay my hand on top of his, and we talk about the baby until I fall asleep. (How strange to ‘fall asleep’ in a dream!)

So, being the literal person that I am, when I woke up, I tried to imagine how I would feel if I was actually in that position. I know that if that situation arose in my life, instead of in my dreams, that I would likely make the same choice. I also woke up annoyed that I never looked at the face of the father of my child! I never got a sense of who he was, just that he was kind, had soft hands, and I felt he would be a gentle father.

Yesterday, I told this dream to some friends of mine, and Luk had a brilliant interpretation. I can’t recall his exact words, but the general idea is that I feel a change in my life, and in order for one part of me to live, another part of me has to die. (Sorry, Luk, for butchering your interpretation, you can feel free to correct me in my comments.)

I’m thinking that in order for my HEAD to survive, my HEART has to die (figuratively speaking.) I’m too emotion-driven. Almost every decision I make is based on some sort of emotion, occasionally backed up by logic. Perhaps if I make my decisions based on logic, I won’t make such poor choices.

Would anyone else like to take a crack at interpreting my dream? I’m honestly tired of dreaming about pregnancy/childbirth/babies. Maybe I’m supposed to be receiving some message and these dreams won’t stop until I understand. Maybe…I should call Charlie the psychotic psychic and ask for his thoughts on the matter. (Just kidding pantry, honest!)

..and in other random news…

There are only two weeks left until the Presidential Election. At this point, I’m not sure I care who wins, I just want the campaigning, media saturation and endless flow of political gossip to stop! There is going to be an election, and barring some unforeseen (albeit relatively likely) crisis (see: hanging chads. see: minorities paid for votes)…we are going to have a new president. We might even have a president for a full four years!

Oh God, I just had a vision of having Sarah Palin as our VP, and it was a scary thought. Doesn’t she know that pretty girls aren’t taken seriously? Doesn’t she realize that there are already T-shirts with her picture and the letters VPILF?

Dear Governor Palin,

I just thought you’d like to know that people don’t take you serious because you’re too cute. Can’t you try a little harder to be homely? Gosh, if you need an example, just look at Hilary Clinton.

Love, peace, and chicken grease,
jktty

 

*edit* I just wanted to add that I think I found a video of my future babydaddy. I can only say it was love at first sight. A girl can’t help where her heart is led. Enjoy.

Another Monday, come and gone. I was actually happy to see this one, though. I kept myself busy all weekend, running here and there and smiling at smiling faces.

On Sunday I made another trip to the library, and with one wrong turn I was confronted with the Murrah Federal Building memorial site. It was all I could do to get past it without running into the cars parked on either side of the road. Honestly, it shouldn’t affect me this way, but I couldn’t catch my breath until I was well past it. I think, some day soon, I’ll have to make myself go there and confront it head on. Apparently it’s grown into quite a monster in my mind, and I don’t like to be controlled by my fears this way.

Tomorrow is my oldest sons birthday, and I want to celebrate the day in a way that is meaningful to me. However, I feel this lurking sadness, and in a way I hope that when I wake up in the morning I don’t remember right away what the date is. I think if I can get out of bed and get to work before I remember…that I’ll be okay. Otherwise, I have a feeling I’ll wake up with bricks tied to my heart…and I won’t want to go to work at all.

I’ve not allowed myself to feel sadness lately. If I feel even the slightest twinge of upset, I force myself past the moment, and occupy my thoughts with positive, happy things. I’ve surrounded myself with bright and happy people, and I’ve kept my mind and my body active so I don’t feel as if I’m being consumed by my thoughts.

I’ve got so much more I want to say and so much more to write about but 1) I took something to help me sleep and I’m already feeling as if I could sleep right here at this computer, 2) I want to write about a dream I had (and the interpretation a friend gave me) but…back to 1 again, and 3) if I write about things then I can’t unwrite them later, and thinking them is difficult enough, but writing about them (or saying them) makes them more real than I want them to be.

Anyway, now that I’m not making sense to anyone but myself, I think I’ll sleep and dream of the boys who hold my heart.

So last night just before I went to bed I got an email letting me know I had a message on MySpace. It was from my sister-in-law. I haven’t talked to her in more than five years. My brain went a million directions at once, and I couldn’t get to the message fast enough. I was so worried that she was going to have bad news regarding my family (my kids)…and it was bad news, but not about my kids.

Apparently my brother had an affair, and my SIL left him and has my niece. I’m not sure why she felt the need to message me about it, but she gave me her phone number and said “call me if you want to know more.” I thought about it all day today, and I was torn between family loyalty, and the loyalty of sisterhood, but it didn’t take long to realize there isn’t much loyalty in my family anyway, and I wanted to hear her side of the story at least.

I called her tonight and we talked for over two hours. I wish I could say that I was totally shocked that my brother had an affair, but I really wasn’t. I was shocked that he has tried to justify it by telling my SIL that he wasn’t happy with her, and that he’s happy now. He should have thought about that before they had a baby. He had this affair with forethought, it wasn’t an accident, it didn’t “just happen.” He took this other woman on a date, rented a hotel for the night, and then spent the next several days exchanging text messages with her about it.

Genius I tell ya. Pure genius. It’s hard to believe we were raised by the same parents. We both saw what his dad did to our mom for years and years, and how my brother ended up walking in those same footsteps I’ll never understand. If I said I was disappointed in him that would be the biggest understatement of this year. I’m disappointed in him and disgusted. He threw away an eight year relationship, a five year marriage, and a beautiful two year old baby girl.

My SIL also gave me some information about my mom and my kids, and while I’d love to write about it here, it seems like that would be a violation of her trust in me and I think I’ll keep it in my head. I will say that she thinks poorly of my mother and she doesn’t believe a single accusation that my family has thrown at me. She also said something that I’ve thought all along…that my mom and step-dad took my kids so that they could have my daughter. They’ve basically thrown my sons away, and they cherish my daughter like the prized little jewel she is. I don’t want to have to eat these words, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my mother for what she’s done to my sons.

Anyway, I’ve probably said too much, and I’m not thinking super clearly at the moment anyway. I’ve got so much in my head that I need to process right now, and the marathon conversation left me feeling drained and completely exhausted. I managed to keep my emotions in check on the phone, but now I just want to cry myself to sleep.

I’m so glad that tomorrow is the last day of this work week, I really feel like I need to rest for a few days. Bubble baths, afternoon naps and walks in the park…that’s what I need. Did I mention the naps? I need naps with pleasant dreams.

Because I am not feeling very wordy at the moment and I’m not sure I can sum up today in paragraph form, I think I’ll go with a numbered list of today’s events.

1. I was ten minutes late to work. I had no valid excuse except that I had to stop for breakfast on the way in. Maybe if I had brought breakfast for everyone my boss wouldn’t have given me “the eye.”

2. I got all my work done two hours ahead of schedule and then had to find things to do to make it appear as though I was too busy to do some other hideous task that my boss might dump in my lap. (Such as reorganizing our storage room which is quickly running out of space for document filing. There are dead…things. Crickets, spiders…who knows what else. Gross.)

3. A co-worker suggested that I give him a key to my apartment today so that he could cook me dinner and have a bath ready for me when I got home from school. When I balked at his suggestion, he looked at me, in all sincerity, and asked “Aren’t we friends? Isn’t this what friends do?” I reminded him that I might appear to be sweet and innocent and naive but that he must have me confused with some other stupid girl. He then asked me what I was scared of and suggested that I should just “do it and get it over with.” Yes, because that’s always the best reason to have an affair with a (semi-married) co-worker.

4. My English professor returned our graded essays from last week. I got an A. She had nice comments on every page, and the last page said “Stephanie, this is by far the best essay in the class. It is wonderfully organized and beautifully written! Nice work!”I’m sure my face turned beet red when I read it, and I almost floated right out of my chair. I contemplated running around the room, shoving it under everyone’s noses, but thought that might give off a bad impression.

While I really appreciate her praise, she’s done a very bad thing. She’s created a monster. Now I won’t settle for less than the best. Now, if I don’t get an A in this class, I’m going to die. Pfft, who am I kidding, I’ve got this class locked up…unless I do something to royally screw it up in the next three weeks.

5. When I left my class, I took a quick tour around the building. The Graphic Arts class was in session, and I stood at the back of their class and watched through the blinds as they worked on a project. It seemed so simple, stuff I’ve been doing for years. Do people really get paid to do that stuff? I could totally do that. Menus? Brochures? Do you actually need a degree for that? Must research.

6. I finally finished the 214-page romance novel that has taken me almost two weeks to finish! I have no idea what took me so long, and the payoff was so not worth it, but it’s finished. I’m seriously through with romance for at least the next three months, though. It kills my brain cells. It also makes me look to the horizon for a charming and gorgeous millionaire (named Bret) who owns a magazine but takes the time to chase me down while I’m hiding out at my parents farm in Kansas. It also makes me want to change my name to Hilary. So yeah, no more romance.

7. After contemplating taking a Greyhound to visit my dad, I decided I should check the website for rates. I remember when it cost $68 for a round trip ticket from OKC to Dallas and back. It’s $117 now. It’s supposed to be cheaper than taking your own vehicle, that’s the appeal, right? I mean, it certainly isn’t about sitting next to somebody’s grandpa who takes his dentures out no less than three times to pick “things” out from between the teeth. With a pocket knife. Seriously. True story.

So that plan is nixed. I’d drive my truck if I hadn’t had a flat tire on Monday. Oh, I didn’t mention that here, did I? Yeah, good times. Flat tire, in my parking lot, in the rain. No jack. My boss sent one of the warehouse guys to my apartment to change the flat for me (probably because he thought I was lying and wanted proof that I actually had a flat tire)…and I stood in the rain to help. Anyway, the spare tire is on my truck, and the previously flat tire is in the back of my truck. I refuse to travel without a spare tire…and I refuse to spend the money to get the flat tire fixed right now.

I’m pinching pennies, dammit. Why can’t holidays fall during times when I have money I want to spend frivolously?

8. I realized late this evening that now that it’s July, this year is more than halfway over. Usually about this time of year I panic and start rushing around trying to accomplish things in the months before the year ends. This year has been pretty good to me, so far. I mean, I moved into my apartment. I almost took a great job, but got a raise instead. I went back to school. These are three things that I can put on my list of “2008 Accomplishments.” There’s no need to rush around trying to accomplish things. I’ve got my finger in enough pots right now, and I’m actually satisfied that I’m doing things to improve my life.

9. I was having a conversation at work today about our 911 system in Oklahoma, and I mentioned an old TV show. I have to ask if anybody HERE remembers the TV show “Rescue 911″? It was on in the late 80’s early-to-mid 90’s and was hosted by Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship EnterpriseWilliam Shatner. I mentioned that show in a conversation today and four sets of blank eyes stared back at me as if I had made it up. This is the age of technology and information, I can watch clips on YouTube…I did NOT make it up.

10. I’ve run out of things for this list, but I felt the need to get to number ten. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea.