Bullets don’t make me faster.

It’s amazing how such a short weekend can stretch out and seem so long, and that in the time that seems so prolonged so much can happen, and yet nothing really happens at all. I’m going to use bullets because I think I tend to write a little more succinctly when I use them.

• Left Oklahoma City with the Tard about 4:45 on Friday. We had originally planned to leave some time around 3, but there was a bit of drama at my apartments with an unexpected visit from the exterminators. I couldn’t bear to leave the state without knowing my cats were okay. So, after I was assured my cats were fine, overfed and overwatered, the Tard and I hit the highway.The traffic was ugly. I’m not sure what sort of conspiracy Oklahoma and Texas have going on with the construction zones that funnel everyone from 70 mph 2 lane highways into 50 mph 1 lane trips through hell, but let me tell you…it sucks. Things on the Oklahoma side of the Red River were worse, but Texas isn’t totally blameless.

• We met my dad at about 8:15, which means that we made remarkably great time. Among the weekends strangest things: my dad and the Tard being nice to each other. I swore to myself that if they shook hands one more time or said one more snarky comment about taking care of me because I can’t take care of myself…that I was going to scream and then draw blood from the first one who dared to look at me.

• My dad has cable TV in 3 rooms at his apartment. I don’t watch TV at home…ever. I can’t think of one good reason why I don’t…except now I see how easy it is to sit down to watch something for 30 minutes and then get up to stretch about 3 hours later. Lifetime, wow, I’m such a chick! I swear, I didn’t cry while watching one of those lame made for tv movies. I changed the channel.

• On Saturday, we did absolutely nothing until 4. If I was one of those people who used my time effectively, I would have studied during those hours. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that I’m not one of those people. Besides, I did mention that my dad has cable TV.

• When we decided to go out, we went out to eat. Then we went to Best Buy to look at computers that none of us will ever own, to the library that was closing in 15 minutes, and then to the used computer store to buy a power supply so that I could fix my dads busted desktop. (That was a colossal failure, and waste of $10. The power supply might be the only thing that works on that computer now.)

• I have to mention that I went all weekend without using a computer, and I didn’t have seizures or even drool on myself! Okay, fine, when we went to Best Buy, I did touch the computers, but that doesn’t count. I was disconnected from email, blogs, and chat all weekend and I didn’t suffer any permanent damage. I’m not going to sell my computer and give up the internet any time soon, but I did feel extremely liberated while I wasn’t obligated to check in with the people I’m usually obligated to check in with. (I’m not mentioning any names.)

• I went to church with my dad on Sunday morning. The kids in the youth group that he teaches are all really great kids. The other lady that teaches the group is a really sweet lady. My dad, however, is rotten inside. His heart is full of murky water! How can I explain…Before the lesson started, *Gladys said she’d like to pray for everyone in the room. I didn’t realize at the time that this meant she was going to pray for everyone…individually. So she prayed for Mark, the pastors son who is going off to college in September. She prayed for Josh, the younger pastors son who will lose his buddy when he goes away to college. Etc…all the way around the room to…me. I’ll paraphrase the prayer:…and we pray for Stephanie, that you’ll heal her heart and open her eyes. That you’ll send a wonderful, Godfearing man into her life. That when she meets this man that she will have the knowledge and  understanding to know that he is The One, and that any other man will disgust her…I peeked at my dad to see if he was looking at me, but he was all deep in prayerful agreement with Gladys. I was really hoping he’d look at me so I could let him know he was in Big Trouble!When we left Sunday school to go to church, I asked him “What the heck was THAT about???” and he said “Well, you should take comfort in knowing that I don’t talk about you, because if I did then Gladys would know you don’t want a husband.” Hmm…sounds fishy to me.

  So after the service, Gladys came up and gave me a big hug to tell me how great it was that I came back to their church again. She patted my hand and said she understands how difficult this time in my life must be,  and that being dumped isn’t the end of the world and that God has a plan for me…and wait, did she just say dumped?

  I turned around to find my dad,  and he had mysteriously disappeared. Coward! When I found him a few minutes later, the story changed to “I only talked to Gladys about it because she’s got a daughter your age and I thought she might be a good person to give me some encouraging words to say to you.”

  The ladies from the singles group asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with them, but I wasn’t real keen on the idea of finding out how many more of my dads churchmembers know more than they should about my personal life.

• After church, my dad and I went to lunch together, where I reminded him again how I don’t like for him to gossip about me. It’s bad enough to go through the stupid and humiliating things I go through without him telling his whole church body about it. My dad said he only talks about me because he loves me so much. I explained to him that I love him a lot, too, but I don’t tell my friends about how his wife has slept on the couch for the last several years etc…The point was taken, for the moment. No telling how long the lesson will last.

• We were supposed to meet the Tard at 5:00, but somehow I lost the text message with the address on it. Calling the Tard was no help…because…tard that he is…his phone was off!!! We finally met him about 5:45, and then I had to stand around and listen to another shmoozefest between my dad and the Tard. Only this time it was worse, because the Tard’s dad was there. It was a nightmare! A bunch of handshaking, backslapping, nodding, and bullshitting. Apparently the consensus is…I’m a helpless woman, and it’s their duty to do what they can to help take care of me.When the testosteronefest was complete, the Tard and I left…only to drive a few miles down the highway and stop at the stables where his horse is kept. Fine, I’ll admit that I enjoyed meeting Buster. He’s a beautiful horse and he’s really sweet, and huge, and he only sniffed my crotch once, and then he followed me around the field and ignored the Tard. I didn’t feed him the stupid treats though. First, I was a little scared he might accidentally bite me. Second, if he didn’t bite me, he was still likely to slobber on me. Getting slobbered on by a giant horse wasn’t on my agenda for Sunday, so I took a pass on giving him the biscuits.

• The trip from Dallas to Oklahoma City which should take about 3 hours…actually took about 5 hours. An hour of the trip was punctuated by a seriously frightening thunderstorm. The last 30 minutes of the trip…well…the Tard and I had a water fight. I got a little bit more drenched than he did, but he started it, and I finished it, and we were both wet, cold, and mad by the time it was all said and done. (I was probably quite a bit more angry than he was, but it was my water that got wasted…down my shirt!)

• All in all it was a great weekend. I had a good time, even though I did a whole lot of nothing. I did NOT do my homework! I did NOT study for my Sociology exam! I’m worried. I’ll blame it on my dad and the Tard if I don’t pass.

Anyway, so much for the bullets making me write less, huh? I seem to  have written a whole bunch of nothing. If you skimmed over it and only read bits and pieces, that’s fine with me. I mostly wrote it to remind myself how evil men are when they get together. My dad included.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and has a great week coming.

*Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent.