Ain’t it funny…

Isn’t love grand? When you’re so in love with someone that you feel drunk with it? When you love them so much that they become a drug for you…and you’re always looking forward to the next “fix.” Love like that is magic, perfect, amazing…indescribable.

For months Edgar and I have been talking about him coming here to visit me. We talked about meeting, spending time together, making love, talking, getting to know each other. When the subject first came up, I was absolutely terrified, but over time I realized how much we loved each other and how important meeting would be for us.

He starts law school in June, so we agreed on a May meeting. I had this feeling that things would be amazing for us. I mean, of course I was still nervous, but I thought about how much we loved each other…and I just couldn’t imagine any other outcome other than us just looking into each others eyes and realizing how much we want to be together. Not just an “online relationship” but something real.

Since he was coming here, I let him choose the dates. He was to fly in to California, spend a few days with family there, and then fly from CA to Oklahoma to be with me. Once the date was set, it seemed that time was suddenly on a fast track, and we were speeding towards the date that we would be face to face.

The only blight in any of this planning was that he was going behind his parents backs. About three weeks before he was supposed to come, his mother decided that she would fly to CA with him. This, to me, was heartbreaking news, because I felt that Edgar wouldn’t have the courage to leave California if his mother was there and he had to answer questions about why he was leaving and where he was going. He assured me that the would be no problem, that we would meet.

About ten days before we were to meet, Edgar got into a disagreement with his father. Edgar left his home and went to stay with a friend for a few days. He wasn’t online very much, but he did go to an internet cafe a couple of times. He was very vague about the fight with his dad, and I didn’t push. I felt that if something had changed, if he wasn’t coming to visit, that he’d tell me.

He was due to arrive here on Saturday, May 16th. On Friday, May 8th, I was anxious to talk to him. Time was ticking away so quickly, and I was worried that he hadn’t been home to pack. Fortunately, when I got home, he was at his house, and online. I thought he was acting a bit strange, but when I told him about my friend Celia going to the bus station to pick up her boyfriend who was visiting from Canada, Edgar asked if I was going to pick him up at the airport. I could only laugh, what a ridiculous question! If he was courageous enough to fly around the world to meet me, surely I could find the courage to drive ten miles to the airport.

Then he started behaving even more strangely. He was drawing a picture of a nude woman with the Philippines flag behind (or in front) of her. Then he was telling some disjointed story about Bonifacio, and then about happiness in Tibet. After that he started saying how he’s a worthless piece of shit, and wouldn’t say why he was, but I got the impression that is what his father called him. He tried to shuffle me off to bed, and now I almost wish I had, but he seemed to be in distress and I couldn’t leave him.

It’s almost as if…once I made the choice to stay…his attitude totally changed. He asked me “do you even like being my girlfriend?” …and I just wanted to scream. I thought about all the love that I’ve poured out on him, I’ve been so generous with my love…I’ve given him my whole heart and he asks if I like being his girlfriend??

Ugh.

After that, everything just seemed to be rapidly deteriorating. His mood went black, my patience was stretched thin, and time seemed to slip into slow motion. I felt like I was trying to hold onto him, and he was turning to sand within my grasp. Slip, slip, slipping away. I couldn’t do a thing to hold him together.

He broke up with me one week before we were supposed to meet. I have no idea why. After writing all of that, you know as much as I do. Ain’t love grand?

He’s disappeared, said he’ll check my blog in 5  years. I haven’t talked to him once, and I’m thinking he meant it this time.

People are speculating. Some say that he must have been lying all along and was never planning to come at all. Some think that he was lying about everything,  including who he is. The day before the “fight with his dad” I had shown him a picture of me from about 4 or 5 years ago when I was at my heaviest weight. The photo was hideous, and I felt that if Edgar could see that picture and still want to meet me and be with me…then maybe he was as sincere as my heart said he was.

We’ve been wrong before.

So, how am I doing?

Actually, the first 24 hours I felt nothing at all. I thought it was shock, and that once the shock wore off that I would be plunged into the deepest, darkest, loneliest pit of despair I’ve ever been in. When 36 hours passed, and still no tears…I started to think maybe something was wrong with me. Now…it’s been a week…and I haven’t cried once.

It makes me think about stories I’ve read about people who lose limbs or body parts in sudden tragic accidents, and when asked later how much it hurt, they say it didn’t hurt at all. When I imagine someone having a finger suddenly chopped off by an axe, I cringe inside. It seems that it must be an incredibly painful thing to have happen. Yet, I met a man once who was missing two fingers from an accident with an electric saw…and he said he didn’t even feel it happen.

I had my heart amputated. It happened so quickly, I didn’t even feel it. So, yes, I’m fine. I’ve decided to stop waiting for the moment that I feel the pain. I’m not going to sit around my apartment and mourn for this boy for the next 6 months. I refuse to waste any more of my life crying over him.

He threw me away. He threw our love away. It was so good, so sweet, true, and right. “Not for me it isn’t, and you know it’s not.” he said. I never knew. I must have been so wrapped up in my own bliss, so happy in our love, that I didn’t notice it wasn’t good for him. I’m not going to feel bad for it. I’m not going to apologize.

He said something once about someday being the ex boyfriend I was badmouthing in my blog. I loved him so much, so completely, that I couldn’t see that he could ever be anything but the man I loved. God, I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have a family with him. He was everything for me. He was the end of the line. Now, he’s the ex boyfriend I’ll be badmouthing in my blog.

So strange.

Anyway, I did a videoblog last month, and I was planning to link it here…but I was so wrapped up with him,  and with getting ready for his visit…I just never got around to it. So here’s the link to that vlog. Amazing how quickly things change.

It’s after midnight now, May 16th, and instead of feeling like I’m going to be missing out on something…I’ve got plans. Have a great weekend ladies, I know I will!