I had a long heart to heart talk with my friend Luk this evening. He is one of the friends I’ve trusted enough to read here, and have access to all my locked entries. He’s read all my posts, but he’s also been around to witness quite a bit of the things I’ve written about (in regards to my relationship with Edgar.)
After we talked for quite a while, Luk told me that after he read my blog that he felt I was insecure and doubting everything, but after talking to me, that he sees now that I know exactly what I want. He also asked if sometimes my blog is an act. At first I thought he meant that I “act” here, or that I’m not real, but what he meant was that I’m not always completely sincere. I hate that I’m so transparent.
So yes, it’s true. I often gloss things over here, and paint a pretty picture with words. I avoided talking about Edgar for a month, because I didn’t want to go through months more of the “poor pitiful me” episode that I went through before. Truth be told, I do still have the same feelings, doubts, concerns, and sleepless nights that I had before…but I haven’t written about them because I haven’t wanted to bore my readers with the same shit over and over. I haven’t been true to myself, and I have been skating around things, to make everyone else feel better.
There was also the question of whether or not Edgar still reads my blog. When I put all my entries behind passwords, I quit checking my blog stats. Once a week or so, I torture myself by checking to see who’s been reading, and I’ve not had any visitors from the Philippines, so no, I don’t think he reads here anymore. Even still, on the off chance that he decides to come here and catch up, I didn’t want him to come here and read about how miserable I was, because he made his decision (to not be with me) and I didn’t want him to doubt himself simply because I was sad. Again, I put someone else’s feelings before my own.
Now that Edgar and I are on speaking terms again, I’ve got things to say other than “I miss him so much. I feel so empty inside when we don’t speak.” etc.. What I say might make you scratch your head and wonder if I’ve truly lost my mind, or if one woman could honestly be this hung up on a man. No, and yes. I’m completely sane and reasonable, but yes, I am honestly this hung up on Edgar.
So, if I’m going to be true to myself, I will write about him. I will write about my feelings for him, my thoughts about him, and I won’t apologize to anyone (except perhaps myself, someday) for being a fool for him.
For the record, we’re not back together, we’re just friends. I will be just his friend if that is what he wants. Will I love him less? I doubt it. As I told Luk, Edgar’s friendship is priceless to me. When I don’t talk to him…it’s like part of me is not functioning. I miss him to my very bones, and I know he misses me too, when we aren’t speaking. So, if I have to pretend (to be happy with just being friends) to make it easier for us to be ‘friends’ and talk, I will do that, because I love him. Maybe that’s just another way of not being true to myself, but I will gladly do it if it means that he will stay in my life, even if it’s just as friends.
Will it make me crazy to pull off such a charade? Maybe. Will I eventually grow tired of being his “friend” and hearing about how he’s moved on with his life? Probably. Will I burst his bubble and tell him how I really feel? Who’s to say that he doesn’t already know how I feel. If Luk sees right through me, maybe Edgar does as well.
Besides, since Edgar and I have started talking again, we haven’t had a single “serious” talk. Maybe we won’t. I can’t read his mind, and I don’t know what he thinks. I’ve got no idea if he’s happy to be just friends, or if he still loves me, too. You might wonder why I don’t just ask him…and the reason is two parts. First, if he’s happy to be just friends, I don’t want to make him worry that I’m still holding on to him, because it will put a blight on our friendship. Second, if he still loves me…I don’t know if either one of us is ready to go through another round.
I love him, adore him, and think he’s amazing, but I also think he’s rotten and spoiled and he drives me absolutely crazy. Even still, when I imagine my future, I see him in it. I can’t imagine loving someone else…and that’s not to say that maybe someday I won’t change my mind…but right now and for the foreseeable future, I can only hold this one man in my heart. Does he deserve it? No, maybe not. Does he want it? I don’t know. Will I give it anyway? Absolutely, if I’m going to be true to myself.
