There is a particular subject, or person, that I have avoided discussing lately. Mostly, I’ve not been talking about him because I know that you’re all tired of hearing about it. So, once I quit writing in the locked entries, I decided I would discuss him no longer.
However, I have this issue that is bugging the shit out of me and I really must vent about it, and that is what my blog is for.
First, Edgar and I don’t speak any longer. That was his choice, and since he said goodbye, I have made no attempts to contact him in any way, and he has not contacted me in any way. While I might disagree with his logic, and I haven’t been happy with the decision he made, I don’t have the heart to try and change his mind. Fine, whatever.
After we stopped talking, and I got the bitching and moaning out of my system, I decided I would quit talking about him as well. Not only do I not discuss him here, I very rarely bring him up in conversation. As a matter of fact, usually when he’s discussed, it’s because someone asks me about him…because they’re not aware of the situation. I always feel bad for the uncomfortable silence that follows my answer “I’m sorry, I don’t know how he’s doing, we don’t speak any longer.”
I have just two people that I speak freely with, one of them on a daily basis. The rest of the time I just keep my thoughts to myself, and I’m learning that it’s best if I just keep my mouth shut.
Here’s the issue: Edgar doesn’t talk to me, but he’s been asking questions to others about me. That’s great, that’s nice and sweet and lovely, he cares to know about me. Fine that he doesn’t want to talk to me…but it bugs the shit out of me that he’s asking my friends about me. Every time another person tells me that he asked about me, I feel as if I’ve lost a bit of trust for that person.
It’s not like I have any big secrets in my life, or anything I want to hide, or anything exciting going on. Fine that the people he’s asking about me are “mutual” friends, and he isn’t poking around with “my” friends, but it still bothers me. God, if he wants to know about me, he can read my blog like everyone else.
Am I being a baby?
For the “mutual” friends who read here…let me explain something, and I’ll make it plain so there’s no confusion:
I love Edgar. I’m not over Edgar. I won’t be over Edgar soon. I know that I haven’t talked about him except for maybe one or two comments…but just because his name isn’t on my lips doesn’t mean he isn’t in my head or in my heart.
That being said…I don’t want to know if he asks about me. It’s much easier for me to think that he doesn’t think of me at all. If he asks you about me and says “Don’t tell her…” that means don’t tell me. I may disagree with every other thought the man has, but on this one particular thing…I agree.
Anyway, I’m done ranting. I should have gotten it out of my system last night when I first blew my top about it…but I was too pissed off to write logically about it. I had all night and all day to sort it out, and I know I probably sound like I’m nitpicking, but it really bugs me.
Or I’m just PMSing.
Take your pick.
