Fly the highs.

I read this article on CNN.com the other day about a possible link between bipolar disorder and creativity. While I’ve never been diagnosed “bipolar”…the psychologist said my moods don’t swing high and low enough…I think it could be pretty damn close. I mention this because I started a hardback journal a couple of months ago to keep notes on my private thoughts, ruminations, and dreams. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging.

Apparently when I’m “up”…I have brilliant dreams that are crisp, clear, and fantastic. These dreams are detailed to the point that when I wake up, I can still recall what color shoes I was wearing in the dream, or what flavor coffee I was drinking. Also, when I’m up, I feel compelled to create. I write bits of poetry on scraps of paper, begin writing short stories that never get finished, and draw my thoughts and ideas on paper and digitally. I can’t find enough outlets for all my energy…and I find myself crossing thresholds I previously said I wouldn’t. I feel bright and electrified, full of life and energy, and as if I can conquer the world.

Inevitably…after the high comes the low. During my “down” times, I can’t sleep enough. I sleep a dark and dreamless sleep that never seems to quench my desire for more sleep. My head seems muddy and my thoughts are sluggish, and I find myself pulling away from everything and everyone. (Or maybe I push them away, I’m not sure which it is.) When I am down, I can think of nothing but all the yesterdays that I wasted, every heartbreak and disappointment, lost love, missed opportunity, and all the reasons why my place in this world is so insignificant.

I suppose what sets me apart from the typical bipolar is that my highs and lows last for weeks, not days. I’ve heard of bipolars who cycle from highs to lows in a matter of hours. The transition from high to low is devastating enough when you feel yourself sliding into the pit over a period of days…I cannot imagine the terror one might feel while rapidly sliding from the highest high to the lowest low.

I see the pattern in this blog, as well. I’m dark and ruminative during the lows, and cheerful and thoughtful during the highs. Admittedly, it’s not an exact science…because sometimes even when I’m on a high I can become rather brooding, and when I’m low I can still find something to laugh about.

Presently, I’m feeling rather floaty. I’m happy, alive, free, and there is so much life out there just waiting for me to live it. I pulled the Ace out of my sleeve, and I can’t stop smiling! I want to go, do, and BE. The only problem is that there is a vulture flying overhead, and I think he’s just waiting for me to fall. I think he smells my joy and instead of celebrating life with me, he would rather bring me down. I guess I could be wrong, but it’s just my interpretation of his behavior. He text messaged me all day. He was doom and gloom, and I was Little Miss Sunshine. I did try to cheer him up, but instead I only found myself frustrated.

Anyway, I’m sure I had a point to all of this, but my thoughts are racing ahead of me and I can’t seem to keep up.

I got the call from the gyno’s office today. I’ve got a consult on the 28th. It’s starting to look like I’ll have surgery sooner rather than later. Maybe I should be happy that I’ll get it over with before the new year begins. Then…I can start 2009 in good health, without worries about what might be taking over my organs. (You know, that just doesn’t sound right. It totally made me think of that scene in Alien where the little baby alien pops out of the guys chest. Gross.)

Wow, is it really almost 2009? I keep thinking something cataclysmic will happen before the end of the year, and so far no serious tragedy has befallen me or my loved ones. I shouldn’t say such things, I know, but I can’t help the directions that my mind wanders.

Happy humpday.