I’m such a chicken. I was supposed to put my two week notice in today, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So, on Monday, I’m going to go in early and do it. Okay, maybe not early, but at least on time. If not on time, then less than ten minutes late. Seriously. What? I mean it.
I did call the lady who will soon be my boss and tell her that I was accepting the position as offered. She was really excited and rattled off a bunch of information about drug screens and orientation etc..etc..and that she’d see me in two or three weeks. Yay for new jobs! I’ve decided that if there’s any lapse of time between when I leave my present job and when I take the new job that I’ll just go to a temp agency and do something through them. No commitment, and decent money. I can live with that. It’s better than the Red Dog anyway.
I had my weekly weigh-in at WeightWatchers this evening, and I was pleased that the scale was nice to me this time. It makes me want to be better…except for dinner tonight. Sara…I mean Tracy…lost EIGHT POUNDS! I won’t say her total weight loss, but that she has lost her “10% Goal”. This is a major accomplishment, and certainly a reason to go out and celebrate. Not that we weren’t going to go out anyway, but then we had a reason to celebrate.
Tracy has suggested that I write in two blogs. She thinks I should have a ‘really funny shit in my life’ blog, and an ‘all about Edward, 24/7, 365′ blog. Here’s why I won’t do that: This blog is me. All of me. Not just bits and pieces. I realize it might not make the best reading material when all I can seem to talk about is Edward, Edward, Edward….but I use this place to dump all my thoughts…and then I come back later and re-read what I’ve already written. It’s supposed to help.
You can always skip over the Edward parts. I just can’t stop writing my thoughts about him. My head is so full of him, if I don’t try to sort out the mess in my head somehow, I could turn into a limping, slobbering idiot! I’ll have a limited vocabulary with my favorite word being his name. It wouldn’t be pretty, ladies. So, ignore the Edward monologues if you must, because I doubt I’ll stop writing them any time soon.
(Even though I should.) So, now begins the Edward monologue.
We were talking last night and he mentioned his thesis. I asked him what his thesis was about and he said he couldn’t say. Being the imaginative dreamer that I am, I had a horrible dream that I was at a lecture hall listening to a speaker that I couldn’t see. (Don’t you hate dreams where everything is dark and the harder you try to see things, the darker it seems to become?) The speaker was talking about internet dating and the experiments that he conducted. Guess who the speaker was.
You’re so smart. Yes, the speaker was Edward. He was talking about how he immersed himself in the internet culture and that I was a perfect candidate for his experiment. Basically, he said I was a sucker. I stood up to leave, and there was a security guard at the end of the aisle who asked me to have a seat and said “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to take a seat, you can’t leave until the speaker has finished.” So..I sat there crying like a babbling fool, and hating every single person in the room.
I made myself wake up before he was finished, probably because my brain had run out of horrible things to say about…me. God I’m really hard on myself sometimes. I mean, yeah, he said the things….but it came out of my subconscious. All in all it was horrible, and I woke up shaking all over. At least I wasn’t crying.
I recall that before Edward and I made what I’m sure he refers to as “the big mistake” and got together with me, I tried to explain to him that I liked him too much. I tried to make him understand that I was…if not in love with him, I was certainly falling that direction. I tried to stop spending so much time with him, thought about not chatting where we met anymore…but he wouldn’t hear of me leaving.
Now that we were together, then broken up, and are now doing the “buddy” thing…I feel exactly like I did before we got together. It’s so unbelievably annoying for me to be in love with him and know that he only sees me as a friend. I’m insanely jealous whenever he talks to other girls…and now I’ve taken to turning off my monitor when it’s happening. (Otherwise I sit there and chew my nails and try to tell myself that it doesn’t matter.)
It’s just that it does matter. I know he’s hapy with our friendship as it is, or at least as it was before “the big mistake”…and I want to be happy, too…but how can I be happy with his friendship when every time I talk to him my heart beats his name in Morse Code with the word MINE MINE MINE over and over?
Maybe I should oly talk to him every other day. Or maybe just 2 or 3 times a week. I know I’ll still obsess about him (Sara says I’m infatuated)….but at least there will be less to obsess about. So, in honor of my random logical decision, I’m not going to talk to him tonight.
I might change my mind as soon as this entry is published, but that’s just how I roll.
