Just keep this to yourself.

So the adventure to the bad side of town wasn’t so bad. I should probably say that my driving scares my friend Tracy. (This is the friend formerly known as Sara, who has now embraced her pseudonym, while also telling me I need to change Edwards to Harold.) She said I’m dangerous. Okay, sometimes I text message while I’m driving, and I talk on the phone, and I don’t always use my blinker, and sometimes I make turns from the wrong lane…let’s not talk about illegal u-turns. All-in-all I’m not that bad. At least I have insurance now, so if I do get a ticket I can pay it with a smile instead of going to jail.

The “bad side” of town wasn’t terrible. The guy that answered the door thought I was a process server so he was rather unfriendly at first…but when I quickly explained why I was there, he opened the door and came out. The previous owners of the charming little house in Texas are now deceased, and the house is in a trust with the family. I don’t know what will happen now, but my part of this deal is done, and the check is going in the bank tomorrow.

My ex (Tard) called me today. He’s such a jerk…I don’t know how I ever lived with the man as long as I did. His story was that one of his neighbors told him she saw me at his house today while he was gone. He wanted to know if I needed something. I said it wasn’t me, and he should have known better. Then, the real reason for the call. “Hey, do you think you could come by sometime next week and fix my computer?” Yeah, that’s what the call was really about. I don’t know why he couldn’t just ask me straight out instead of beating around the bush.

I told him to call me next week and I’d see what my schedule looks like. The truth is, I’m only going over there if his mom or girlfriend are there. I’m not going to be alone with him for even one minute and have his meaty paws on me, not even a HUG. I swear, if he so much as looks at me funny I’ll put my foot down his throat. I don’t mind working on the computer, it will give me a chance to burn some CD’s, but he’s going to behave and not give me any drama.

Speaking of drama. The Breakup Bible lady would probably kick my ass right now if she knew I was reading her book while simultaneously ignoring almost every rule in it.

The book says: Don’t talk to your ex.
I say: Why not?
The book says: You’ll never get over him by talking to him.
I say: I’m never going to get over him anyway, so what does it matter if I talk to him or don’t.
The book says: This is a vulnerable time, you’re easily manipulated.
I say: I’m always vulnerable and easily manipulated.

I’m making bad choices where he’s concerned. I talk to him almost every day. It’s like an addiction. I know I should stop, I know it’s bad for me, I just can’t seem to find the willpower not to do it.

My moods are affected by his moods. Yesterday he was grumpy and sour and it made me so sad. I just wanted him to be happy, but it’s not my place, so I mostly just kept my mouth shut. He was in a much better mood today, and if I try really really REALLY hard then it feels like we’re really just friends. Yes, I know, I read the book…I knowwww I shouldn’t talk to him. I shouldn’t care about his moods, or whether he’s having trouble sleeping or any of the other things I care about…but I just can’t seem to help it.

I can’t change who I am. I want to be over him because I don’t want to hurt anymore, but right now I’m not really hurting all that bad. Call it a comfort zone if you will. Damn it, I should not be in a comfort zone with him. This is how ex girlfriends get their hearts smashed. You play “buddy” and they think you’re totally cool with the platonic friendship thing. Then one day you run into him and he says “Hey, this is my friend April.” and April is looking at him with adoring eyes. You have to pretend you’re fine with it, right? You’re just friends. Then, you go home and cry all night because you weren’t really over him at all.

That’s totally going to happen. I’ll be doing the “platonic friends” thing and he’s going to say he’s going out on a date, and I’m going to pretend that’s great and grand and groovy, and then I’m going to get in bed and cry for a week. Mark my words ladies. Today, May 8th, I said it. So sometime in the near future when I’m wiping tears out of my keyboard as I write another sob story here, you can all tell me “You knew this was going to happen!”

There I go again with another rambling monologue about him. I bet you ladies can’t get enough of my I love him/I hate him/I’m over him/I’m not over him/He’s wonderful/He’s terrible craziness, can you? The Breakup Bible says this is normal. (And yes I will pick and choose which parts I want to believe and which parts I want to ignore, thank you very much.)