105 minutes

There are only 105 minutes left in my workday. By the time I finish this post there will be less than that, but I started at 105 minutes.

The day is creeping by slowly, and the last hour or so has seemed to move even slower than the beginning of this torturous day. It’s not that I have big plans or anything for the next four days, it’s just the thought that I have a whole four days off work, two of which I’ll be getting paid for. Sweet.

I thought I could occupy my brain by thinking of things I’d rather be doing for the next 105 minutes. So, here’s my list of 105 things…just kidding. There won’t be that many, but I bet I could think of that many.

I’d rather be talking to my grandfather. He’s been gone eighteen years, and it’s amazing to me how often I still think of him, or how often his name passes my lips.

I’d rather be holding my children. The holidays are always a sentimental time for me, and since this week marks the fourth anniversary of me losing my babies, it’s even more so. I’d love to have just a few minutes with them, but I know a few moments would never be enough.

I’d rather be dancing in the rain, convinced of my immortality and of the permanence of love and peace. I was twenty that year…and I’ve learned a lot about love and loss since then. It was a great Thanksgiving though.

I’d rather be playing Uno with my dad. We always get into a fight about who is or isn’t cheating…but it’s been too many years since I sat at the table with my dad for a Thanksgiving meal, and I’d love to have his company right now.

There are other members of my family I’d love to share a bit of time with during the holidays, but with the good comes the bad, and although I’d love to hug their necks and tell them how I still love them, I am ultimately grateful not to have that poison in my life.

I’d rather be sleeping. Some people say my favorite thing to do is sit at my computer, but the truth is I think the truth is that my favorite thing to do is sleep.

I’d rather be making love. Should I say more, or less? It’s been too many months since I was held. I can’t honestly say how many months, because that would be sharing things I’m not ready to share. I’m not longing for the arms of any particular man, but just the contentment and relaxation that comes with making love to a man and enjoying the moment.

I’d rather be in 1998. It was a good year, and the month between Halloween and Thanksgiving that year hold some especially poignant memories for me. I was a new mother, in love with my baby and my husband and life in general.

Or…perhaps I’d rather be in 2003. Those days before my world fell apart were fairly peaceful and quiet, as if the universe was preparing me for the horrible deed that was about to be done. The Saturday before I lost my kids, we took a nap on my couch. I was laying on my side, with my older son in front of me, my daughter laying on my side, and my younger son behind me, with his arm across his sister. I was surrounded by the sweet smells of my babies, and the sound of their slow and steady breathing. It’s odd how that memory is burned into my mind, and I can remember it as if it just happened. It was a very sensory experience, and again, I can’t help but wonder if the universe was preparing me somehow.

I’d rather it was Thursday. By this time tomorrow I should be pleasantly buzzed, and just about ready to eat.

I’d rather be in the bath. A hot bubble bath, with the lights off, candles lit, and the gas heater on high. (Okay, maybe a man in the bath with me, but I’m content to be alone right now, right?)

I’d rather be eating chocolate. Just one piece, Dove milk chocolate…or a Lindor white chocolate truffle. Is there any other food that causes your body to release dopamine? Then there’s the whole tryptophan thing. Whoever said chocolate isn’t a drug LIED.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I’ve only got 80 more minutes to kill, and I think I will go find some trouble to get into.