I don’t do a lot of surveys…unless you consider the Wiki’s I do on Tuesdays and Fridays, and I haven’t done those in a couple of weeks. Anyway, I found this survey at FortyPlus. It’s huge!

1. Spell your name as it sounds: Stef-ah-knee
2. Are you available? No
3. What’s your favorite number? 7
4. Favorite color? Purple
5. Least favorite color? Yellow
6. When is the last time you cried? Yesterday
7. What should you be doing right now? Filing invoices.

THE CANS:
1. Can you blow a bubble? Yes
2. Can you touch your toes? Yes
3. Can you whistle? Yes
4. Can you wiggle your ears? If I use my fingers.
5. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
6. Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue? If I try really really hard.

THE DIDS:
1. Did you ever want to be a doctor? Yes
2. Did you ever receive an engagement ring? Yes
3. Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? No

THE DO’S:
1. Do you believe in God? Yes
2. Do you know how to swim? Yes
3. Do you like roller coasters? Yes, but they make my vertigo really bad.
4. Do you own a bike? Yes, but it’s sitting at my ex boyfriends house and I’m not sure I want it back.

THE DOES:
1. Does your car get good gas mileage? No, it’s a gas guzzler.
2. Does your family have family picnics? I’m sure they do, but I’m not invited.
3. Does your home have a bookcase? Yes, I have to have one.

THE HAVES:
1. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.
2. Have you ever gone fishing? Yes
3. Have you ever seen a celebrity? Yes
4. Have you ever been on a motorcycle? Yes, but they scare me.

THE HOWS:
1. How much money do you have on you right now? $3.87, but I’ve got that magic debit card too…so I guess I have more.
2. How many cars have you owned? Cars that were mine and mine alone? Five. Umm, the first was a Sunbird that I paid $99 down for, drove 500 miles, and the tranny blew up. Lemon law? Second was a Ford Escort that my dad paid cash for and gave to me. It was out of alignment and drove with a limp if I got it up over 45 miles an hour. Next was a Honda Prelude that my uncle bought for me and I just loved. I threw a rod while trying to catch up with some people on a motorcycle. I spent $900 to get it fixed, but someone (my ex husband) kept the car and the money. Next was a Chevy Lumina that I bought from my step dad. After driving 4cyl cars for so long, that V6 got me in lots of trouble. Lead foot? Me? The tranny is slipping in it, so it’s been parked for almost three years. Most recently is my Chevy Silverado. Even though I get horrible gas mileage, I just love the truck. It’s freedom for me.
3. How many jobs have you had? Quite a few. Foodservice (not just fast food, I worked in the kitchen at a nursing home, and also worked concessions at a water park.) Cashier…a lot of places. Desk clerk at a hotel. Telemarketer. Daycare provider/teacher, customer service, medical secretary, pedorthic technician, billing clerk, administrative assistant, and for a while I was a stay-at-home mother. I’m sure there are more, I just can’t think of them at the moment.

THE LASTS:
1. Last person you hung out with? Allison
2. Last thing you said out loud? “I just smoked one of Bones cigarettes, and it was a red. Damn, that was harsh.”
3. Last time you ate at McDonald’s? Yesterday
4. Last grade completed? A year and a half of college.
5. Last thing you bought? A 2008/2009 dayplanner.

THE WHATS:
1. What is the temperature outside? 50F/10C
2. What time did you wake up? Which time? I woke up the first time at 5:15, but got up at 6:45.

Number Two Survey:
1. What’s the last mistake you made? I’m not sure. I’ve done something to make him stop talking to me…so I’ve obviously made some sort of mistake, I’m just not sure what.
2. Is the sun shining? Yes
3. Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon? Yes.
4. Do you like text messaging? I do text quite a bit.
5. What do you eat the most at your best friends house? She loves to cook and experiment with new recipes, but mostly she likes to cook italian food. She makes a killer lasagna, and her spaghetti is the best I’ve ever had.
6. Boyfriend/Girlfriend? I’m in love with someone, but I’m a little confused atm about where it’s “at.”
7. Are you wearing any make-up right now? Just blush and mascara.
8. What are your plans for later? I’m having thoughts about taking a nap after work.
9. What is your favorite DDG song? Hmm…I don’t think I have one.
10. Is there any drama within your life? A lot more than I would like.
11. What is a song they need to stop playing on the radio? They are seriously overplaying that Apologize remix by One Republic with Timbaland, and BYOB by SOAD is getting a little too much play, too.
12. Are you happy with life right now? I’m happy with certain aspects of my life, but there are things I want to change, and there are things I am definately not happy with.
13. Does anyone like you? I have a few friends, so I guess.
14. What is your current obsession? Steve & Barrys!
15. Do you have a dog? Nope, a cat.
16. Ever been kissed under mistletoe? Yes, and once it was by a really old man at a nursing home when I went as a volunteer. LOL.
17. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yes, I do all the time.
18. Ever pulled your pants down in the street? Beside the street…but not “in” the street.
19. Do your toenails have nail polish on them? Yes
20. When’s the last time you wore eyeliner? Last Saturday.
21. Last curse word you said was? Damn.
22. Are your lips chapped? Only a little, but Blistex and I are becoming close friends.
23. Are you currently jealous? Actually, no.
24. Do you own an ipod? No, I did, but it got stolen.
25. Did you have a dream last night? Yes. I was at a BBQ with a bunch of people, and everyone left while I took a nap. LOL
26. Are you mad at anyone? No, not mad. Hurt and disappointed, but not mad.
27. Who is the loudest person you know? Lisa
28. What’s going on this weekend? Halloween party with more people than I want to deal with.
29. Done any spring cleaning lately? Just the regular stuff.
30. Anything bothering you? Yes, and since I’m pretty sure that he’s not reading my blog anymore…I can say this: I do not understand men. I never ever will.
31. Do you do cheerleading? I did when I was really young.
32. Did you wish for anything last night on 11:11? No, I always forget about that.
33. Do you drink coffee on a regular basis? 4 or 5 times a week.
34. Do you wish you were someone else? No, I just wish I was a “New and Improved!” version of myself.
35. What jewelry are you wearing? Four silver rings, silver earrings, silver cross necklace, nose stud, and my watch.
36. Funniest thing that happened last night? When Scotty wrote his “Maya Angelou” inspired poem about the uterus.
38. Are you easily amused? Yes, I think I am. I laugh way too much.
39. Can you lick your elbow? No. Is that even humanly possible?
40. Do you know this song, “we stay fly no lie you know this”? Baallllin! lol
41. What piercings do you have? Three in my left ear, two in my right, and my nose.
42. Do you have a crush right now? It’s more than a crush…I’m crazy about him.
43. What are your plans over the summer? The summer is so over, but NEXT summer I want to travel a lot.
44. How’s life going for you? It’s been a little confusing lately.
45. What is on your mind just this second? After that last question, I’d have to say Joshua is.
46. Favorite vacation spot? I don’t really have one, although I really enjoy Lake Texoma.
47. Do you have on chap stick? Blistex Medicated.
48. What hurts right now? My heart.
49. Do you like school? Yeah, I really enjoyed it.
50. Is this survey good? I think I like it.
51. Sneak out lately? Nah, no need to.
52. Last thing you had to drink? Coffee.
53. Do you want a tattoo? I think about it every now and then, but I’m really a sissy and I don’t like needles.
54. Want any more piercings? Yes.
55. Single or taken? My heart is occupied.
56. How long have you been single/taken? I’ve been all wrapped up in him for…umm…close to a year.

My broken uterus…

If the title of this post wasn’t enough of a warning to keep the squeamish away, I’m going to be writing about my uterus. If that word makes you cringe, or thinking about the purpose of a uterus gives you the willies, stop reading now.

I previously talked about the problems I’ve had with my uterus. Honestly, I’m getting tired of dealing with it.

On Tuesday I went for my ultrasound. The sonographer was patient and friendly, and she explained what she was doing step-by-step. She identified my uterus and took measurements, then identified my ovaries and took more measurements. She then proceeded to take pictures of the mass in my uterus. After she was done, she showed me with her hands the approximate size of my uterus, vs. the size of a normal uterus, and then she showed me the approximate size of my myoma.

She said “It’s pretty big.” Actually, I am embarassed to type what she said at first, because the word she used made me shiver.

The entire procedure took about fifteen minutes, and then we ended up in a conversation about lipomas. She was really animated, and proudly pulled up her sleeve to show me the HUGE lipoma she has on the back of her arm, and told me about the surgery she’s going to have to have it removed. Don’t ask me to explain how the conversation went from fibroids to lipomas, because it’s a convoluted trail that started with the way fibroids react to hormones and ended up on the way lipomas react to hormones.

Anyway, she told me to expect a call from my doctor within 24 hours.

He called me at work yesterday, at 3:00. The man is nice, okay, and he has a very good bedside manner, but it was very obvious to me that he doesn’t like to give bad news. He spoke in a very quiet tone of voice, and I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. The conversation went down basically like this:

Dr. P: You have a very large myoma.

Me: Yeah, the sonographer showed me the pictures.

Dr. P: I have reviewed your chart as well as the medical records from your previous physician, and I am very concerned about your anemia.

Me: Mhm, it’s not any fun.

Dr. P: The usual options are laparoscopic myomectomy, abdominal myomectomy, or hysterectomy.

I do not feel that laparoscopic myomectomy is an option for you because of the size of the myoma. I don’t think we will be able to remove all of the tissue without compromising your uterus.

Me: Mhm…

Dr. P: Abdominal myomectomy is another option. We would go in through the previous c-section scar, remove the fibroid from the uterus and repair the scar tissue in the uterus. This would require two to three days in the hospital followed by three to four weeks off work.

Me: Three to four weeks? That’s like having a baby!

Dr. P: Yes. This is why I feel that hysterectomy is the best option for you.

Me: …(silence)…

Dr. P: Would you like to come in for an appointment to discuss hysterectomy?

Me: Dr. P, I’m only 33 years old. I don’t want to deal with hormones for the next 20 years, and what if I decide I want to have another baby?

Dr. P: Well, in that case I would suggest the abdominal myomectomy.

Me: Okay, but what about vaginal myomectomy. I was looking on Google last night…

Dr. P: No. This is not an option for you. This myoma is too large.

Me: Okay. Well, thank you for calling.

Dr. P: Would you like to schedule an appointment?

Me: Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll be in touch.

::click::

 I wanted to throw something. I wanted to go home. Instead I went into the bathroom and cried. I feel like I’m being railroaded into a surgery that I don’t want.

I went outside to have a cigarette, and I had this moment of clarity. He’s not the only gynecologist in Oklahoma. I threw my cigarette down and practically ran back to my desk.

I called the HR department for my company to make sure that my insurance would cover a visit with another doctor, and she told me that yes, they will, as long as the doctor is in-network.

Within fifteen minutes I found a FEMALE doctor that specializes in reproductive endocrinology and infertility. I just have a feeling she’s not going to be pushing me towards hysterectomy.

I called the office and told them that my doctor had just given me some bad news, and that I wanted a second opinion. The lady I spoke to was extremely helpful, and so I’ve got an appointment for November 19th. Coincidentally, the lady that I spoke to is a former patient of Dr. P, and we both agreed that he is a wonderful doctor.

He’s a great doctor until he starts wanting to take out parts of me that I don’t want taken out.

Maybe I’m being too stubborn about this. Maybe I’m risking my health by refusing a hysterectomy. I just know that gynecological surgeries are on the rise, and it’s usually at the urging of a doctor who is looking for the easiest fix. Hysterectomies are the second most common surgical procedure performed on women in the US. (C-sections are the first.)

FFS, I don’t want to be a statistic. I don’t want to have to take hormones and deal with menopause symptoms. Yeah, having the problems I’m having isn’t any fun…but I don’t want to go in and cut out a part of me that is still functioning…even if it’s not functioning properly.

So, I’ve got some time to think about it, and I’ll get my second opinion, and maybe even switch doctors.

On a related note, as I was writing this tonight I was talking to a friend of mine. He was fretting about a personal issue. I was doing my best to give him my attention but still write this without jumping all over the place.

I told him he was distracting me from writing about my uterus. He asked if it was a poem, and I just laughed. Then he blessed me with this gem:

Scotty says:
Oh uterus
Giver of life
Eden of infants

Stephanie says:
almost a haiku

Scotty says:
I was going for a Maya Angelou effect

Boys are fun!

Friendship: past, present, and future.

The past.

I’ve always considered myself to be pretty flexible, in that I adapt to change well. As often as I moved when I was growing up, I learned to make strong connections to people I wanted to keep in my life forever, and looser connections to those that were…I think the right word would be “peripheral.” However, the BFF’s of days gone by are mostly lost to time and distance, and marriages bring new names, making it harder to find all those friends I promised to stay in touch with for the rest of my life. Lately I’ve felt this need to reach out to those people from my past, to what end, I’m not sure.

As I’ve found these people, I’ve reached out to them, as if reaching back in time to pull that past connection into my present life, and the results have been, well, underwhelming. The fantasy lives I’ve created for all these people have proven to be mostly just fantasy, and with a rare exception or two, they have all turned out to be just as ordinary as I am.

The girl I dreamed would grow up to be a softball star is now a mother of five. The one I thought would turn into a lawyer or politician is just a blue collar worker, a mechanic, if I’m not mistaken. Another one, one that I thought would one day be my own husband, is now a minister, and a happily married father of two.

Interestingly, I’m not wholly disappointed by these revelations. Thinking back to the people that they were, and blocking out the thoughts of who I thought they would be, it’s very easy for me to see them in the roles they’ve chosen for their lives.

All that being said, I feel a little strange saying that now that I’ve found them, in most cases I feel no need to keep in touch. Maybe a Christmas card once a year, just to say “Hi, I haven’t forgotten you.”…but I don’t see myself driving around the country to have lunch with the friends I made in middle school. It’s not that I’m opposed to maintaining contact, and if these people make the effort to stay in touch with me, then I certainly will reciprocate. I just feel somewhat as if I have written the final chapter in the story of these old friendships.

The present.

Over the last few years, I have changed my thoughts on friendship, and only allowed myself to become attached to a few people. I can count on one hand the number of friends I have that live in my city. I have a handful of friends online that I would consider to be “very close friends”, and one I would say she is almost like a sister.

However, while I’ve been forging frienships with people online, I’ve neglected the friends that I see face to face. I’ve also recently realized that I don’t form close bonds with female friends that are local. I could probably count one friend that I trust implicitly, that I know I can count on for anything. The friend I could call at three in the morning to bail me out of trouble. The friend that I have told every secret to, and know that she doesn’t judge me.

Is it wrong that I am so mistrusting? I sometimes wonder what am I denying myself by not making more friends. I know that there are things I could be doing, places I could be going, and so many people I could be meeting. Then I remember the friends who have turned their back on me when I needed them. I remember the friends who have judged my flaws, questioned my motives, pointed fingers at mistakes I have made, and the friends who have taken advantage of my kindness and honesty.

At my age I shouldn’t be naive, but I suppose that on some levels I am. This is why there are so very few that I allow into the deeper part of my heart. There are so many more peripheral friends in my life than there are friends who I could say I truly “let in.”

The future.

I wish I could say that tomorrow I’m going to snap my fingers and suddenly learn to trust people. That tomorrow I’ll go out and make every effort to make new friends, and form strong and lasting bonds with women I share common interests with. I don’t think that will be the case at all.

However, I am going to make an effort to not be so damned shy. I’ll make an effort to be my true self with people that I meet, instead of the “Hi, I’m Steph, see the self confidence radiating from my great big smile?” persona that I’ve adapted over the years.

I’m going to make an effort to stop saying no every time someone asks me to go, do, visit, see…anything. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve told my acquaintances no when they’ve asked me to go out with them. I also can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “I don’t know why you never want to go out with us, we had so much fun at….(insert the name of whatever bar, club, or party that person had just been at.)”

I’ve been invited to a HUGE Halloween party this coming weekend. I can already feel the anxiety building. I’ve already thought of a hundred excuses of why I can’t go. I wouldn’t give my friend a definate yes or no answer, because invariably, if I say yes…I’ll want to change my mind later and then feel horrible for doing so.

So, anxiety and shyness be damned, I’m going to that party. I’m going to the damned party. Really.

I might even stay.

Happy Birthday, David

Nine years ago today I became a mother for the first time. All of the hopes and dreams and wishes I had ever made were born when that little boy entered this world.

I didn’t have that moment where I felt as if his birth was the culmination of the marriage between his father and I. No, he was my son. My firstborn.

When I brought him home from the hospital, I couldn’t bear to have him out of my sight. He slept in his bassinet right next to my bed, and I hardly slept, listening for his every breath.

He would wake up hungry, and I would pull his warm little body close to me and nurse him until he was full. His body would relax, and he would fall asleep, tiny little mouth open, his greedy little hunger satisfied.

I wonder how many kisses I placed on his wrinkled little neck, and how many times I marveled at his perfect skin. Sometimes I would let him sleep on my lap, and I would just stare at him, in awe of the little person that God gave to me.

Everything that he did was new and exciting, and every moment that I held him in my arms, I was sure I couldn’t love him more. Yet I did.

Today, on his birthday, I can’t help but think of him, and think about the baby he was, and wonder about the boy he has become.

This morning when I woke up, he was the first thing on my mind. Since I can’t celebrate his birthday with him, I felt like I needed to do something special, to acknowledge the gift that he was to me.

I went to church. It was the only place I could go to feel connected to him.

I sat there, at first feeling rather out of place, but I reminded myself why I was there, and made a promise to God that I would hear whatever message I needed to hear.

I’d like to say I had a spiritual epiphany, but I didn’t. I did, however, remember why I enjoyed going to church before. I did, also, find my heart full of joy instead of sorrow.

Losing my children was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, and even though time passing does make it easier, days like today tend to be very hard for me. In the past, I’ve allowed myself to be swallowed up by the grief, and isolated myself from everything and everyone, in order to privately suffer. I didn’t want to do that today.

So today, October 21, 2007, happy birthday David. You are always in my heart and mind, and I love you today just as much as I did the moment that you were born.

Protected: How odd

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

So here I am…

I feel like I just bought a brand new journal, and I’ve opened to the first page, and I don’t know what to say.

Actually, the truth is…I have so much to say that I don’t know where to start.