Predictability

I’m a pretty predictable person. For the most part, I run on the same schedule. My friends know my routines, and depending on the day of the week, they know whether I’m at home at 7:00, or at the gym. They know I’m going to be up until 1:30 or 2:00, and that if they couldn’t get me on the phone, to email me because I always check mail before bed. I said before that I’m flexible, and that’s true…but I function best on tradition and routine.

I wonder why it is, then, that when I am in a relationship, it’s typically with a man that is absolutely unpredictable. It’s almost as if I borrow the unpredictability of that person to balance out the predictability of myself.

It’s difficult to truly get to know someone that is unpredictable. You can only grow as close as they allow you, and only at their speed, and only for as long as they let you. If you’re brave (or stupid) like I am, you plod on and hold on to whatever they give you, however small.

Over time there are things you learn about that person. They remain unpredictable, but some things seem a little more solid than others. He hates his job. He loves his family. He wants more out of life. Even little things…He’s got a wicked sense of humor. If you say this then you know he’ll say that.

Eventually you grow comfortable in the balance between unpredictability and predictability. He might not call one day, but you’re pretty sure he’ll call the next. He got mad at you for something you didn’t expect him to get mad about, but you’re pretty sure he won’t still be mad tomorrow.

Then, if you stick around long enough, you begin to convince yourself that he is becoming predictable in his unpredictability. You know how he will react to things. You know what makes him tick.

And then, he does something completely unpredictable. He disappears. He stops coming around. He doesn’t call, and doesn’t take your calls. He doesn’t return text messages. Just…gone.

You remind yourself that he’s done this before, and that he’ll be back in a couple of days. But then two, three, four days roll by and you start to think that maybe this time is different. You replay in your mind the last few conversations, looking for clues to what might have happened.

Yeah, things were off for a couple of weeks, but he said everything was fine. So while your instincts say one thing, you let yourself believe his words…and you use those words to fuel your own hope that everything will be okay.

Everything is not going to be okay.

I don’t know what happened, there wasn’t a fight. There wasn’t a nasty “fuck-you” argument. I don’t even remember a disagreement. There was just this strange feeling that something was wrong.

He wasn’t talking to me as much. He quit using terms of endearment. He just wasn’t acting like the person I knew.

Is there someone else? No. Are you mad at me? No. “Everything is fine.”

It’s been one week today since I talked to him. I’ve already been through the range of emotions. I’ve already been worried, angry, crushed, confused, and then defeated. Right now I’m just disappointed and hurt.

I can’t be mad…because I know that shit happens. If he found someone else…that’s just how life is. It’s happened before. If he lost his attraction to me…I can’t say I didn’t expect it. If he got bored with me…I agree. I’m boring. I’d say something about him falling out of love with me, but I can’t…because he never loved me. Never one time did he ever say the words. I always told myself it was okay, because I loved him enough that he didn’t have to love me back. As long as he liked me, I was okay.

But here’s the thing. Here’s the difference between men and boys. Here’s is the vital difference between a man that loves you and a boy that likes you.

When it’s over…men that love you say goodbye and walk away. Boys that like you run away in the middle of the night without a backwards glance. That’s predictability.